


Wolfie!

by loosenoodlepoodledoodle



Series: Outlandish Adventures [5]
Category: Dark Souls (Video Games), LOONA (Korea Band), Oh My Girl (Band)
Genre: Absurd, Crossover, F/F, F/M, Parody, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-08
Updated: 2020-09-08
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:34:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26358070
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loosenoodlepoodledoodle/pseuds/loosenoodlepoodledoodle
Summary: YooA's been working so hard on "Bon Voyage." Little does she know that she's destined for a journey of her own...
Relationships: Andre of Astora/Yoo Shiah | YooA, Chaos Witch Quelaag/Yoo Shiah | YooA, Son Hyejoo | Olivia Hye/Yoo Shiah | YooA
Series: Outlandish Adventures [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1672411
Comments: 1
Kudos: 2





	Wolfie!

**Author's Note:**

> If you are a K-pop fan who has not played _Dark Souls_ , it may be best to treat this story as something surreal.
> 
> On the other hand, if you are a _Dark Souls_ fan who knows little about K-pop, you can probably project whatever you want onto the protagonist and her friends.

I wake up in the dark, yet blinded by light. I don’t know where I am, just that I am alone. Then I hear a scuffling sound from on high, and something drops down next to me with a clunk.

It’s a heavy key. My eyes have adjusted, so I can see the door in front of me. I take the key and unlock the door. I step out into a torchlit hall.

There are other doors here, but I ignore them and go straight forward. There’s an enormous stomping sound to my right, but I ignore that as well. Finally I emerge in a small courtyard with a campfire. Somebody has left graham crackers, chocolate, and marshmallows, so I feed my starving body s’mores.

“Totally worth it,” I say to myself.

The stone walls of the courtyard are covered in moss and vines. There is a large set of wooden doors in front of me, so I get up and, taking the delicious snackos with me, push the doors open. Inside is a boring chamber full of giant ceramic vases. Before I can wonder _what the fuck_ , a giant horrible obesity in the form of a fat lizard hops down from a high window to attack me. It’s wielding a humongous foam hammer, but it doesn’t get the chance to use it as its ponderous bulk sends it plummeting through the fragile floor.

Luckily it leaves behind the foam hammer, which is large than I am. With my lithe dancer’s body I’m able to climb up the hammer, propped against the wall, and reach the window. In fact the hammer is light-weight enough that I can even take it with me. But there’s nowhere to go. Outside the strange building there are some tiny ruins and a view of some ugly mountains, and naught but else. I stand atop a ledge, unsure of what to do, and I am startled to no end when a giant pigeon swoops down and grabs me.

***

The flying rat drops me off far away, at another set of ruins. There are the remains of a firepit here, and what I take for a statue but turns out to be some dead guy in chainmail trapped in petrified bird shit. I resolve to never trust the pigeon again. Not that I trusted it in the first place.

There’s a working drinking fountain and a toilet in the ruins, and some kind of shitty elevator, but no more food. I don’t need a fire to eat my current fare, but it won’t last long and I could sure use some meat. There’s a hiking path with stairs leading up to some huge bridge. I try looking that way for help.

Emaciated zombies lay on the ground along the path. They try to get up, but maybe because there haven’t been any people with brains through these parts in years, they have been starving to undeath. I bonk them on the head with my foam hammer, and they go back to sleep.

There’s a kind of tunnel formed in the lower deck of the bridge. I pass through it and emerge in Detroit, sorry I mean someplace that feels abandoned (like Cleveland). There are more weak zombies here, but I ignore them. There’s only one real way to go, so I work my way through the lackluster crowd and end up near the upper deck of the bridge. There’s a balcony here with a knight, but he doesn’t answer me when I call out to him. I poke him on the shoulder, afraid that if I startle him he’ll go nuts like the fuzz, but he doesn’t. Instead his helmet falls off, revealing he’s turned to dust. Checking the angle, I realize he must have stared directly at the sun for too long.

Halfway across the bridge, I am faced with a real threat: a giant red dragon lands in front of me! There’s no cover here, so I sprint forward with my hammer raised. Closing my eyes, I bring it down wildly as hard as I can. Unbeknownst to me, the dragon had reared back in alarm; my strike lands right on top of his enormous balls. He nuts all over the bridge, and I would have been swept away by the steamy, sticky flood if I had been only a little bit slower.

The dragon elects to take a nap, so I gingerly step around it and pass through the gate at the other end of the bridge. There’s a curving street sloping gently upward, and I find a welcome sight. Some of the zombies are frying up a giant pig, and they offer me a plate without a word. I eat my fill and bow, giving my thanks. Then I move on.

At the end of the street is a large church. I climb the steps and enter. By the altar stands a woman in white. I decide to ask her what the fuck. Turns out it’s Arin.

“YooA?”

“Yes! Oh, my girl, what the fuck is going on around here? Where are we?”

Arin shrugs. “I don’t know. Probably a really expensive music video set.”

My stomach rumbles. The pig wasn’t enough.

“Do you know where the cafeteria is? I’m starving…”

Arin shrugs. _Aren’t we all._ “I think I heard one of the crew mention the forest. Hey, what’s in your bag?”

I share half my remaining yum-yums. Arin is grateful.

“Good luck. Try to bring me back some pizza?”

“Sure thing!” and I smile at her.

***

There’s an older, plainer church next to this fancy one. The path to the forest leads through it, and inside I meet a muscly, bearded gent named Andre. I ask him for directions, and he happily obliges me. Then, because I’m only human and no one else is around, I hook up with him for a quickie. He fills me up with a huge sense of contentedness. Perhaps I should have invited Arin over. Oh well.

I leave the old church and enter the woods. I am attacked by a mob of abandoned artificial Christmas Trees. They’ve gone feral in their neglect, but they are no match for my big hammer. I pass through an old stone arch, and the forest widens. There’s a gang of ne’er-do-wells around a camp fire, but they are too busy smoking pot to have much interest in me. Only their apparent leader bothers to question me; he is stroking a magnificent cat.

“Where are you going, girl?” asks Shiva of the East.

“I’m trying to find the buffet table,” I reply in all honesty.

“Oh.” He gestures unhelpfully somewhere over his shoulder. I leave them to their habit.

***

On the far side of the woods I encounter something strange. It looks like a graveyard, but there’s just one massive grave in the middle of it. As I approach it I realize there’s someone standing in front of it, barely visible in the dark. It’s a girl with dark hair, and a dark jacket and skirt. I call out, “Hello?” and she turns around.

Her face is in shadow. Her eyes are glowing red points.

Then the moment passes, and I see the girl’s beautiful face, streaked with tears.

“Are—are you looking for the buffet table, too?” I ask. I instantly regret my mistake.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” says Olivia Hye, but it’s probably you who would recognize her, more so than I.

“I’m sorry!” I plead. “What is this place, anyway?”

She doesn’t like my tone, and is a bit haughty when she answers. “This is my private garden. Right now it’s hosting the projection of my fears for our dearest HaSeul, leader of Loona.”

I blink. “So you don’t know where the food is, then?”

Her eyes start to glow red again, and she positively _growls_. She raises her hand on high, and a giant wolf pads up, humongous gonzo sword in its jaws, looking like a reject from a porn parody of Twilight.

My hammer is ready.

For many long minutes we dance, me with my foam boom-boom, and the wolf with its fake-ass sword. Eventually I get tired of improvising choreography, so I smack the girl upside the head. She’s so startled, it breaks the spell, and Great Wolf Sif runs off.

“Well, you’ve beaten me, Girl.”

“My name is YooA.”

“Okay then, YooA. I’m Hyejoo. Let’s find that buffet table together, I want to bury my sorrows in it.”

I don’t think that’s very healthy behavior, but I don’t want to scold her, either. So I let her tag along, but soon it’s more like I’m tagging along with her. She seems to know this place far better than I do. We shimmy our way down some cliffs overlooking a lake, and it’s terrifying. We pass some large rock candy sculptures, stealing a few bites, then Hyejoo takes me into a cave and beyond. Each time we enter a dangerous-looking place, a new frightening space, she discounts my fears and says we’re almost there. We at last cross a stinking swamp and enter a cobwebby tunnel, and then we’re at the buffet. But it’s not the buffet I’ve been looking for.

“This is Quelaag, she’s our dark moon goddess,” Hyejoo explains.

I look the monster woman up and down. From the waist up, she’s a sexy naked lady. But below the hips she is a spider-centaur. Where the mouth should be lies a dripping wet monster pussy.

“Don’t say it, Hyejoo,” I admonish, but I can tell from the shit-eating grin on her face that my honeypot companion is going to anyway.

“This is the all-you-can-eat buffet—”

I bop her on the head with my hammer, and she laughs. Then Quelaag says her bit.

“Come, my pets,” and she spreads her lips, “feast on my bounty.” And the two of us can’t help it, we’ve just _got_ to try her out. It’s manageable at first, but eventually, _inevitably_ , we can’t stem the tide, and I worry about drowning in it. So does Hyejoo; we start to hold back, and it infuriates Quelaag. She pushes us to the ground and sits on our faces. The only way to get her off is to get her off, so we together manage to double-fist the spider-slut, after which she passes out.

I shall never forget the look of serenity on her face.

Unfortunately, she doesn’t get off of _us_ , and we’re seemingly crushed by her succulent bulk. I wake up back in my bed, nearly smothered to death by my own pillow, and ruing the day I started playing _Dark Souls_ again late at night.

Then I wince. _Gosh darn it,_ I think to myself, _why couldn’t I have stayed asleep until Gwynevere?_

**Author's Note:**

> At the beginning of the music video for "Bon Voyage," there is a giant wolf. Naturally, I thought of Sif.
> 
> Also, YooA's body reminds me of the Navi or whatever from _Avatar_.


End file.
